Satanic Zodiac

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It is absolutely pertinent that you avoid staring contests and karaoke jams this week, since defeat and humiliation are likely to find you. But the linar moon does have something good in store for you by the weekend, with a 
48-hour "Designing Women" marathon on LIFETIME and a sale at the A&P on Pepperidge Farm's Milano cookies. Also, a promotion at the eneima nozzle plant is not that far out of your reach, so go for it!
Lucky numbers this week: 9, 18, 36, 72, 144
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This is definitely the week to kill off Grandma and collect on the will. With the family vacationing in Europe and Grandma's catatonic condition showing signs of improvement, Venus pushes the stars in your favor. However, hold off on blackmailing your boss with those prostitute photo's until after Thanksgiving when he's most vulnerable. Financially, you're due for a bad week. You just can't expect to keep running that credit card scam and not get caught, especially at Burger King. They're bound to start asking questions. Romantically, watch for some old hag with tons of money to move into the neighborhood sometime soon. If you play your cards right, that 91 year-old walking piggy bank could quite possibly become your sugar mama.
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Well, all of your stalking ways finally pay off this week as the one you admire will have a remarkable change of heart. Ignore the restraining orders, she really does want to be with you forever! Now is the time to skip the usual pranks and go for the grand finale. The romantic in you comes out when you blindfold, gag, and kidnap her in the middle of the night. Just a reminder, kidnapping becomes a federal offense once you have crossed state lines, so be on the lookout for all those pesky state welcoming signs. 
Lucky numbers this week: 3, 25, 11, 8, 612
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Who are you trying to fool at the office with all those designer imitation clothes? And the diamond pinky ring? Really. Let's face it, you're white trash. Don't be ashamed of it. This week your co-worker at Aetna will truly accept you for who you really are. It's ok to wear your black stonewash jeans, your 1987 Metallica t-shirt with the missing sleeve, your steel-toed Redwing boots. It's ok to wear these things to the board meeting. Who said you can't hang the Confederate flag in your cubicle? And is it against the law to chew tobacco at your desk? I didn't think so! It's time to stop being such a hypocrite and just scratch your balls whenever you feel like it.
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You manipulative little bitch you! You think you can just waltz into a man's life and make his every sexual fantasy come true just for the satisfaction of knowing you can do it and never do call him again! Do you honestly think you can meet him for a rendevous at Motel 6 in the middle of the night for a wild tryst and not even have the decency to bother to ask him if he minds that you brought along your two college roommates for a little three-on-one action? You dirty little whore! And is it really fair of you to expect him to have to bring the camcorder every single time? Woman, is there no end to your selfish, inconsiderate, nymphomaniac lifestyle? Pay attention to the rings around Uranus this week indicating yes.

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