The magnetism of Jupiter's moons send your life into a tailspin this week. That annoying paternity test that cost you $500 comes back to show that you are undeniably the father. And don't be surprised to discover it was a close relative who stole your anal beads and not that bitch with coffee stains and a unibrow working the graveyard shift at IHOP. The video store calls your house and accidentally informs your significant other that 
"Ameteur Blondes 2" and "Asian Hardcore" are three weeks late. Also, your dog will get run over by a UPS truck. Lucky numbers this week: 17.

This week you encounter what is known as a defining moment. No more fist fights at BINGO. No more trailing home the car that cut you off on Main Street and burning down the asshole's garage. Chalk it up to the marijuana or serenity of the fall foliage, but, either way, your explosive temper recedes into oblivion this week. Instead of insulting your spouse's cooking by throwing that turkey burhger pot-pie out onto the front lawn, you will scarf it down and beg for more. Hey, life is just nicer when you aren't being such an abusive bastard.

Okay, first - romance. The sooner you realize that oral sex is a two-way street, the better off you'll be. Next - money. Don't get too down on yourself about your recent shaky financial decisions. I mean, who knew the number 4 horse at the race track would stumble and break its leg like that coming around the last turn. And all those losers at GAMBLER'S ANONYMOUS can kiss your ass! They're just jealous and only wish that they had that much money in their kids' college fund to bet with come NFL Sunday. However, expect the worst of it when your spouse starts asking those annoying, nagging questions like, "Where's my Rolex?" and "Hey, what the hell happened to our entertainment center?" Why not head off to the casino for some royal treatment. You deserve it.

This is your week to just let bygones be bygones. Sure, it was wrong of your parents to auction you off to your neighbors when you were only 11 years old just so they could borrow their jet-ski for the weekend. But hey, you learned how to build a gazebo from scratch with your bare hands that weekend. And so what if your brother had sex with your wife in the bathroom of the reception hall on the day of your wedding. At least you know where your son gets his blue eyes and blonde hair from. And of course nobody likes to have a rumor spread around the office saying that you were caught masturbating in the breakroom, but if you're willing to look hard enough, there's a silver lining there. Listen, it's time to let the healing begin. So get up off your ass right now and go hug that little punk that put dogshit in your mailbox and shot bottlerockets at your front door last month.

Those anger management classes are going to start working to your advantage, so don't lose faith. Also, an old flame comes back into your life and forgives you for all the loud arguments you used to have out on the front lawn. And it appears that you have finally decided to embrace the kiss-ass philosophy and your boss appreciates it; just be careful he doesn't put too much on your plate. With a little valium and an occasional trip to that shady Asian massage parlor, you will no longer feel weighed down by the pressure. By the end of the week you'll be so confident and cocky that you'll get up the nerve to ask out hot Janet in Accounting, you know, the one who's thong is always showing above her waistline. Well if your requests for a date get shot down immediately, do not put your fist through her brain. Resist initial thoughts of retaliating with violence. Instead, be a man about it and slash her tires between cigarette breaks.